This morning around 3:00 a.m. I was sitting outside on my porch.
I begged God for sleep but sleep would not come. I was just not tiered. And it was making me sick starring at Joe sound asleep on MY bed (haha). So, I ended up on the porch, breathing in the full moon.
Then, I had this huge feeling to go running. Just a strong urge. And I said nah....and then had this vision.
Basically, the vision was of me running, and then a policeman pulling up beside me to ask me what I was doing up so early, and to ask my age. (there is a curfew here in St. Marys, GA where no teen between the ages of 0-17 is aloud out between the hours of 11:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. without a parent or someone of 21 years of age) I told him of how I couldn't sleep, and then somehow got in the conversation of how God had been kind of silent in speaking to me lately. And then we got in a conversation of God, and I got to tell him of all God has done for me, (basically mine and Joe's testimony) and he then let me go on my way since I lived right down the street. Then this policeman continued on pursuing this God I spoke about.
Well, this was an exciting vision. For God hasn't used just me by myself and quite a few days. And that's what I enjoy, being used by Him. So I've been extremely discouraged listening to Joe's storeys of all these people that God has brought him to to talk to, and really am truly excited about these people finding the real Jesus! But the more he talks about it, the more discouraged and pointless I feel. For I am just sitting back and watching the world work. Watching God work through others.
Just so pointless I've felt.
Yes, God used me to bring Joe to Him and in turn, Joe is bringing others. God even helped me help Joe bring others to Him. But I just want to do so much more. I know I will, but it just makes me feel really sad sitting here during this time. Not really doing anything.
I also gave into a lot of the lies the demons told me. Joe and I got in a few arguments, just because I couldn't let go of my hurt for feeling useless to God.
Then, to make matters worse, God became silent. He aloud the demons to cloud my mind.
Which hurt. It hurt so bad.
But I continued on. I wanted to give it up, just to give it all up. To turn my back on everything God has planned for me. But I knew I couldn't. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do that to God. I couldn't do that to Joe.
So I held on. Then last Wednesday, God showed me this verse. Revelation 1:18 "Don't fear: I am First, I am Last, I'm Alive. I died, but I came to life, and my life is now forever. See these keys in my hand? They open and lock Death's doors, they open and lock Hell's gates."
This verse just really opened up my eyes to how powerful God really is. That He could help me and that I was holding my problems from Him. So I gave God everything. I lied on my face and just gave God everything. And he literally took it all out of my hands.
So now I am just sitting back and watching. For apparently I am learning amazing, simple, humble things that I needed to learn to truly let all that I do be for the glory of God. Then with open eyes I realised....
...this is a trial.
And God was bringing me through it even without speaking much. Bringing me through it like He always has.
So back to what I started speaking about in the first place.
Feeling like a jog.....vision....oh yeah!
I'll go ahead and break it to ya. I did not do as what happened in the vision. I didn't believe I was supposed to. And I was right. I wasn't. It just helped convince me to take a jog with God.
While on that jog, God showed me something so beautiful.
I've been complaining now to myself for days and days that God has stopped using me like He began to. Even though I KNOW what else he'll be using me for later on I still complained. I got so angry just to think that I was pointless here. I felt so pointless. When really, I could have been giving God the glory, and show God through a simpler way. While reminding myself who my savior is and what he does for me.
In everything I do, God gives me strength. God gives me the ability. God gave me my gifts.
I've had so many people say, "Wow! You draw really good!"
And my reply, (because it's absolutely true and I usually think it anyways) should be, "God gave me this ability."
And when people say, "Oh, gosh, you run so well! I can't even barely run .2 of a mile!"
My reply, "God gives me the strength."
When I play guitar, or piano and people praise my guitar playing or piano playing, (these two are the usual ones that I get all the time for I lead worship on Wednesdays now) then all I have to simply say is, "God gave me the gift to play."
Because it's all true! And that's exactly what I say in my head, so why not say it aloud? Giving God the praise is such beauty, and that's what I live for! That's all I live for! I stay on this earth for no other reason.
While I was running, God told me, "Ask me for strength to continue running and you will make it to the end without stopping. For you have to remember to rely on my strength, not yours. For you can't make it on your own."
So near the end, I asked Him, "God, give me strength. Please give me strength."
Well, I haven't ran in a few weeks now, and still only have ran maybe 4 times in the past two months. And I have never been able to completely run without stopping each time. Though I've ran the same path every time. Even at one point, when I began running consistently I still couldn't do it.
Ha, and guess what. I made it. In about 8 min. Which is not bad at all for a random jog. It's a slow mile, but a mile without stopping none the less.
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God has such awesome and simple ways of showing His beauty.
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