I gave you nothing. I took you nowhere. You're still listening.

This morning around 3:00 a.m. I was sitting outside on my porch.

I begged God for sleep but sleep would not come. I was just not tiered. And it was making me sick starring at Joe sound asleep on MY bed (haha). So, I ended up on the porch, breathing in the full moon.

Then, I had this huge feeling to go running. Just a strong urge. And I said nah....and then had this vision.

Basically, the vision was of me running, and then a policeman pulling up beside me to ask me what I was doing up so early, and to ask my age. (there is a curfew here in St. Marys, GA where no teen between the ages of 0-17 is aloud out between the hours of 11:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. without a parent or someone of 21 years of age) I told him of how I couldn't sleep, and then somehow got in the conversation of how God had been kind of silent in speaking to me lately. And then we got in a conversation of God, and I got to tell him of all God has done for me, (basically mine and Joe's testimony) and he then let me go on my way since I lived right down the street. Then this policeman continued on pursuing this God I spoke about.

Well, this was an exciting vision. For God hasn't used just me by myself and quite a few days. And that's what I enjoy, being used by Him. So I've been extremely discouraged listening to Joe's storeys of all these people that God has brought him to to talk to, and really am truly excited about these people finding the real Jesus! But the more he talks about it, the more discouraged and pointless I feel. For I am just sitting back and watching the world work. Watching God work through others.

Just so pointless I've felt.

Yes, God used me to bring Joe to Him and in turn, Joe is bringing others. God even helped me help Joe bring others to Him. But I just want to do so much more. I know I will, but it just makes me feel really sad sitting here during this time. Not really doing anything.

I also gave into a lot of the lies the demons told me. Joe and I got in a few arguments, just because I couldn't let go of my hurt for feeling useless to God.

Then, to make matters worse, God became silent. He aloud the demons to cloud my mind.

Which hurt. It hurt so bad.

But I continued on. I wanted to give it up, just to give it all up. To turn my back on everything God has planned for me. But I knew I couldn't. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do that to God. I couldn't do that to Joe.

So I held on. Then last Wednesday, God showed me this verse. Revelation 1:18 "Don't fear: I am First, I am Last, I'm Alive. I died, but I came to life, and my life is now forever. See these keys in my hand? They open and lock Death's doors, they open and lock Hell's gates."
This verse just really opened up my eyes to how powerful God really is. That He could help me and that I was holding my problems from Him. So I gave God everything. I lied on my face and just gave God everything. And he literally took it all out of my hands.

So now I am just sitting back and watching. For apparently I am learning amazing, simple, humble things that I needed to learn to truly let all that I do be for the glory of God. Then with open eyes I realised....

...this is a trial.

And God was bringing me through it even without speaking much. Bringing me through it like He always has.

So back to what I started speaking about in the first place.

Feeling like a jog.....vision....oh yeah!

I'll go ahead and break it to ya. I did not do as what happened in the vision. I didn't believe I was supposed to. And I was right. I wasn't. It just helped convince me to take a jog with God.

While on that jog, God showed me something so beautiful.

I've been complaining now to myself for days and days that God has stopped using me like He began to. Even though I KNOW what else he'll be using me for later on I still complained. I got so angry just to think that I was pointless here. I felt so pointless. When really, I could have been giving God the glory, and show God through a simpler way. While reminding myself who my savior is and what he does for me.

In everything I do, God gives me strength. God gives me the ability. God gave me my gifts.

I've had so many people say, "Wow! You draw really good!"
And my reply, (because it's absolutely true and I usually think it anyways) should be, "God gave me this ability."

And when people say, "Oh, gosh, you run so well! I can't even barely run .2 of a mile!"
My reply, "God gives me the strength."

When I play guitar, or piano and people praise my guitar playing or piano playing, (these two are the usual ones that I get all the time for I lead worship on Wednesdays now) then all I have to simply say is, "God gave me the gift to play."

Because it's all true! And that's exactly what I say in my head, so why not say it aloud? Giving God the praise is such beauty, and that's what I live for! That's all I live for! I stay on this earth for no other reason.

While I was running, God told me, "Ask me for strength to continue running and you will make it to the end without stopping. For you have to remember to rely on my strength, not yours. For you can't make it on your own."

So near the end, I asked Him, "God, give me strength. Please give me strength."

Well, I haven't ran in a few weeks now, and still only have ran maybe 4 times in the past two months. And I have never been able to completely run without stopping each time. Though I've ran the same path every time. Even at one point, when I began running consistently I still couldn't do it.

Ha, and guess what. I made it. In about 8 min. Which is not bad at all for a random jog. It's a slow mile, but a mile without stopping none the less.

:]

God has such awesome and simple ways of showing His beauty.

Faith.

God has transformed my doubtful heart.

A faith seed was planted in me, and is constantly growing as I type this.

Oh! That we just believe and it be so, but for the glory of the one who saves us! Not only does that mean miracles, but also means simple things of every day life!

What an obstacle faith overcomes!

For now, I say these few confusing words, but hopefully I can fully explain soon.

On letting go.

Dance with me, for I'll be leaving soon.
(wishes don't always come true)

"Leaving what?", you ask so distractingly.

I'm leaving whatever I see and whatever I don't see.

"Leaving it where?"

I'm leaving it the farthest away from me. No more will I ask myself....no more will I ask myself, "Where have I gone?"

I'm searching for you. And...
Lord, its you I want to find.

Get out.

So, I'm not sure whats up really.

It's extremely hard to explain what is wrong with me. I'm just so confused with life really. The confusement is wrapped around my heart like a rope; getting tighter and tighter till my heart is welted in different places.

"Confused about what!?" I ask as I scream at myself aloud. And all I can answer back is, "I don't really know."

Really, I'm just...

...still wanting to be alone.

I don't want to deal with people. I just want to be there for people, but I want to stick my own mind in a jar, with the lid screwed and glued on extra tight. I don't really want people to know me anymore. And that bothers me, because I fear it is unhealthy.

If that even makes sense at all.

The world from a new view.

So, I did it.

I am now out of the mental hospital, I was discharged at 10:00 a.m.

My mind is back, and I am a little sick from a bad cold, but I've never felt so brand new in my life.

The trip there was very helpful. The treatment was not helpful, because I found there was nothing wrong with me. I am not depressed. I am not anything. I'm really quite fine. But the trip there was helpful, because it gave me time away from chores, school, people, my phone and everything else in the world. It gave me time to study Gods word and become closer to God. I even got a chance to share God with some of the staff and the patients.

I was there for 6 days and boy, did each day seem long!

But, now, I have no more medicine to deal with, and can write and think clearly again.

Thank you for your prayers and support.

God is truly amazing.

Jonah, where's that boat going? Your ship set with eager sails....

My bags are packed...I'm ready to go now.

Hopefully, I will do well. Pray for me.

Going to the Mental Hospital at St. Simmons Island to get off of my medicine.

This should be the last time I have to deal with psychologists or any person of the sort, if I do well. If not, then they will just switch my medicines...but I know I will do good.

I've got a huge bag of books packed, and lots of comfy clothing...

Hopefully, I will be able to think straight soon.

I can't wait to find my mind again.

God, give me strength.

Stupid.

So, I was thinking. (as I always am)

I've thought this thought before, but only until now has it really dawned on me.

Most of the time, when people don't understand things, they automatically label it as stupid.

And I had this thought, as I was looking at a book that I had just bought from the thrift store. This book is called, "A Sense of Honor" by James Webb. It's kind of like an old, random, war book dealing with the Marines. (I've been reading and collecting weird, random, and different books lately) I had thought about a war book that I had read before (called Solider X) and loved to death. I realized that the reason why I never read war novels or storys was because I had never understood them. The words, I never had any clue what they meant, the feelings the soldiers went through, I had no understanding of, I knew nothing of guns, code names of the battlefield, therefore, causing me to not understand the books of war. And therefore, causing me to dislike and have an uninterest with war novels.

When I have met like die hard war-stuff fans, or people that had been in the wars, army, marines, navy or something of the sort, I tended to look upon their passion towards those things as stupid. I mean, I would think, "They go out to war, kill people with their silly guns, and die. Whats so special about that?!" And now I see I found it stupid, for the simple reason of not understanding it.

My advice to you: If anything to learn in life, learn to understand.

Exaustion.

So, today is just another boring day for me. I almost feel I've never been so bored in my life, ha. Although, I know I have. I'm such a human. Allways complaining. Why can't I ever just be satisfied with knowing I'm alive?

Sighs echo throughout my insides as my eyes glisten in golden tears mourning over my sad existence. What a worthless chreacher I am! All I ever do is waste my time being bored and complaining while waisting time on what I could be doing here! I've been given, by God, so many skills that I should be putting to use but, I just feel like garbage today. Just complete trash. Like a wasted paper with nothing written on, wadded up in the garbage can.

I just...I just want to do something big with my life but, I lack motivation to do so. And when I did have that motivation, I had the wrong heart, the wrong mind, the wrong soul. And no way of doing it. But now I have almost all the opportunities of the world! But instead I say, "I just don't feel like it. I just don't feel like doing anything."

How stupid of a human I am!

Blind Faith.

So today I have an ear infection and I can't hear out of my right ear.

I became really excited at one point today and my heart started racing from the excitement.

Well, since I am basically deaf in my right ear (for now, at least) and it made it even harder for me to hear others speak. The noise just became quite annoying and reminded me every second of how I am alive and my body was working.

So I was thinking...

Is that all deaf people hear?
They live every day seeing things move, peoples lips move, read about noisy buttons, watch emotion change on peoples faces, seeing people watching people on TV and watching the person become interested and amused on what the person on TV says and no noise....

Yet, all they can hear is their own heart thumping in their ear?

And what about a blind person who has been blind since birth?

They can hear everything that goes around them, even better than most people, but how would they ever begin to picture what the person who is talking to them looks like, when they have no real knowledge of what a shape even is?

The world is so complex, how would they picture a bird in their mind; when everyone describes things by comparing them to things that they already know what the thing looks like to describe something?

Most people need to see it to believe it, but if you can't see anything, then how are you going to believe anything? You would have to put all of your trust in others without really knowing, and never being able to truly know, which would be similar to a blind faith.